Admiral Daala looked out the bridge viewport of her latest Star Destroyer. She had slept her way up the ranks, and it showed through her bumbling incompitence as a military strategist. It became preposterously obvious as the tide of the current battle continued to not turn; the New Republic was still kicking her bantha poodoo.
"We are only a peaceful agricultural community on the fringe of the galaxy of no strategic importance whatsoever. Why are you attacking us?" the planet's prime minister said over the comm.
"Cower before the mighty wrath of the Empire, pitiful Rebels!" Daala howled into the comm, and then she flipped the switch to close the link.
Yet another ugly, male pilot careened out of control and crashed his stolen Y-Wing into the Destroyer's hull.
"Why do you suppose it was that the Rebels put up such a half-hearted fight to try to keep those Y-Wings that we stole? It's almost as if they knew they were the crappiest fighters ever designed, and that they'd be no good to us."
"Lieutenant Sense, I have absolutely no interest in anything you have to say," Daala quipped. "Vacuum Leader, take your squadron into that conveniently placed asteroid field. I'm sure you can outmaneuver the Rebels in there."
"Oota goota, Daala," Vacuum Leader (Greedo) confirmed.
"What's 'oota goota'?" Vacuum Five (Biggs) asked. "Can anyone else understand him?"
"Admiral, the Star Destroyer's ghost computer tells me through the Force that she misses her beautiful ocean homeworld," Vacuum Two (Kyp) informed her.
"What do oceans have to do with anything? Just get in that asteroid field," Daala ordered.
"Admiral," Lt. Sense called from behind her. "Our standard Imperial strategy droid has something to tell you."
"Can't you see I'm busy fighting a war?"
IQ-20 stepped forward, metal joints creaking. "The odds of Y-Wing pilots sucessfully navigating an asteroid field are approximately 75,980,273,846,987 to one. Maybe you should attack with this Star Destroyer and have the Y-Wings run perimeter around you."
"Silence, fool. I'm an Imperial Admiral so I know a good military strategy from a bad one, and my strategy is pure genius. It has to be; Tarkin himself used it, and look at how well he did against the Rebels."
Suddenly an ethereal waif of a genius came fluttering onto the bridge. "Admiral, I've developed a new superweapon that will destroy any concentration of life forms that it's aimed at. All you have to do is press this button. I think we can use it to end galactic hunger and bring peace to the universe!" Qui Xux handed Daala a small grey box with a big red button marked "Super-Megakiller" on it. The box, much like Qui's head, felt light enough to be hollow.
"Nya oafkah!" Vacuum Leader cried, shooting wildly at the gigantic, inanimate asteroids yet somehow missing all of them as his Y-Wing inevitably collided with a fist-sized asteroid and exploded in a burst of fire and smoke enough to make any industrial light magician proud.
"Um, Admiral, I'm having a bit of trouble in this asteroid field," Kyp said. "This ship really sucks."
"Really, how are the rest of you doing?" she asked.
"Hey, baby, I'm a shooting star," Biggs replied. "I'll never be stopped. Wait, wait..." Just then Bigg's Y-Wing spun out of control into another Y-Wing flown by some faceless Imperial pilot.
"I said, how are the rest of you doing?" Daala repeated.
"That was the rest of them, Admiral. Everyone else is dead," Kyp responded. "It's taking all my Force-abilities just to keep myself alive in this death pod. But that blasted computer ghost keeps distracting me."
"Whose brilliant idea was it to send the only person who can communicate with our haunted ship out in a Y-Wing?" Lt. Sense asked pointedly, staring intently at Daala.
"Argh! I don't care if your last lover abandoned you," Kyp cried out. "No, I am not sleepy. Aaaah!" Kyp intentionally swerved his Y-Wing into the nearest asteroid to kill himself before he could be forced to fall asleep where he would be slave to the ghost's nightmares.
"That's the last of our fighters, Admiral," Lt. Sense said. "Should we move into attack position ourselves?"
"No, we'll try Dr. Xux's marvelous new superweapon." Calmly, Daala held out the grey box toward the little planet and squeezed the big button. It made a charming buzzing noise. After a few awkward moments she decided it hadn't worked.
"How exactly does this thing kill its targets, doctor?" Daala asked.
"Why it disintegrates them, of course. From the inside out," Qui Xux clarified. "Let me see it. Oh, I accidentally painted the words on upside down. Just aim it the other way."
Suddenly Lt. Sense doubled over. With her last ounce of strength she struck the Destroyer's self-destruct button which just so happened to be located on the console in front of her.
"This ship will self-destruct in one minute. All remaining personnel, please evacuate calmly in a single-file line," the computer's voice called over the intercom.
Desperately, the spirit of Callista (henceforth, the Monstrosity), reached out from her perch inside the Destroyer's CPU and took posession of Qui Xux's body. "I'm alive!" she cried out. But just as suddenly she realized that the blue scientist's body was far too insubstantial to sustain her spirit. "No," she moaned as Qui Xux's body evaporated.
The Monstrosity quickly reached out and took control of Daala's body. "I'm alive!" she cried out. "No," she gasped as the Super-Megakiller's beam began to take effect. Her legs collapsed beneath her as her bones turned to dust. She lay quivering on the deck like the spineless goo that she had always been, coughing up a nasty, black powder as her innards disintegrated.
The Monstrosity watched helplessly as the entire crew crumbled into little piles of ash. The planet was too far away for her to use the Dark Side of the Force to steal anyone's body from there, and all potential hosts on the Destroyer were dead. She could escape no more!
The Star Destroyer drifted out of control towards the asteroid field. Just as it hit the first few asteroids it exploded in a spectacular convulsion of blazing, green and red flames taking the Monstrosity with it once and for all.
